There are days where people and others came together, but the rest of the year was full of mundane un-celebrated days which all seem to have clashed together into a mush of unrecognizable time, where everything seemed wasted for any UN-substantial reasons, Where I would mindlessly watch a small seedling turn into a tree, or a person into an adult and blossom in-front of my very eyes. The few months I spent with the person of my dreams a great friend, and more then that to me, were the most vivid and pleasurable of my life. Though life is cruel and has taken that person away by it's own choice, for they were not ready for a relationship. I will never regret any of the time I spent with her. I've had some decent days before but none like this, like the months I spent. Where I have not had time to think for myself but instead I caught myself pondering about her and future days and nights I could spend with her no matter what the stance on my life was I was always thinking of her instead, attempting to better her position in life because I saw how happy she was I wished with all my being to retain that happiness in her life.
What did she do yesterday, how was she this morning, My mind was and still is constantly plagued by these thoughts. I was sad in the start, before I met her, having thoughts of what used to be and how the fun of those things overtook my life with friends and family before I had to move on to other things, this caused me depression. But thanks to these ever exciting days my sadness was gone, up until recently. I would have been lying if I said I did not have a good time with her and I miss having them with her so much. Instead I am worried about how much fun I did have, for now it cannot be replaced by anyone under any circumstance unless someone surpasses the amount of perfection she had as a individual, before the working world went and broke her soul.
I wonder why I lowered my guard every time she looked at me, she gave me her silly looks, I got angry when I disliked her attitude, and laughed heartily when she was funny, One day she stopped appearing at the place I saw her most, though we met at another location for about a month, she had seemed different, changed, broken, no longer happy, her reply's delayed as if I was annoying her but she once took me more dearly, then I did to her. the lustrous color in her eyes had faded into a dull, bland, mesh of what once was. tired and broken she finally spoke up and placed a final tome of words that still dawn on my soul, was the mere realization that she was no longer as close to me as she once was. Reality hit me and broke me more so then before, these emotions still occur in me over the last few days, unloved, hated, and even broken to a degree leaving a lasting depression. she did not want to hurt me, she tried her hardiest not to but regardless, my soul feels shattered and broken that I no longer have that "sufficient others" love for me. the last thing to ask myself is... whats wrong with me? Why do I still hold on to this individual so dearly though they do not return the favor onto myself, Why do I still love her, Does she love me, only she can answer that, yet only time it's self can reveal this, but how do I Stop hurting and wondering such things? the only thing I can do now is help the one I think of as my soulmate, the perfect one for me. My goal right now is to go to college maybe there I will find someone else or find my way into more issues love is complicated. I truly hope me and her can get back together like we used to be, happy and unbroken but for now the future remains a hazy fog, maybe I will find someone else someone I can truly hold dear to me and love.